You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
