why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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