I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
