just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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