Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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