One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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