I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
