cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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