You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
