I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
