how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
