I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
