I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
