I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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