i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I didn't notice because vodka
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Randomize
