Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
