We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I am available for nakedness
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
