Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
