Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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