69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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