I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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