You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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