god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she pinky promised me she was 18
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
