I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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