Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize