uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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