No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
my poor anus
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
