Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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