If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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