So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
