Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
