Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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