Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
