the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
