either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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