Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize