I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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