so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
