Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize