Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
