Got a toothbrush?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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