They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
