Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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