I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
