my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
