on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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