I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
