maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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