From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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