Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
