1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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