and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
