I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize