Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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