The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So vagazzling was a success
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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