There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
