Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
