I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize