I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
