He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You are the jesus of drinking
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
