Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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