This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
