Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
