Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
