I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
another moral hangover. fuck.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
