Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
