I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
