Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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